Procrastination

I am a serious practitioner of procrastination. I say, “I want to write more.” I say, “I want to do more work in Photoshop, Illustrator, and InDesign.” I say, “I want to design books.”

 

But I don’t do anything. Instead I waste time, and money, playing silly online games that distract me from what I could be doing. I think I know why I do this, too.

 

I’m afraid of looking like an amateur, even though that’s what I am, and I have what those who play the games I do see as relative success. You know, I’ve managed to level pretty well and have reached a point where most of the tasks in the game are achievable for me.

 

How I did that isn’t rocket science. I dedicated a lot of time and I’ve even wasted real money (that I don’t have) on achieving goals in that game.

 

So what if I did that with writing? or photo manipulation? or book designing? If I dedicate as much time to any one of those as I have to those stupid games I might realize some of the things I really want to do because I will have improved my skills.

 

Now that’s a revelation … not.

 

So I’m going to try to stop procrastinating, in the form of using an online game, to escape what I need to be doing – honing my skills.

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On Hold

Life seems to be on hold right now. At 61 I’m looking at long days, lonely nights, and constant criticism.

I’m not sure how to tell someone I love dearly, enough. I’m not sure how to tell someone I love that what they give back isn’t enough. I’m not sure how to tell someone I love that what I do is because I love them, not because I am obligated to them. I’m not sure how to get someone who needs help to seek it from those who can give it.

So many insecurities. So few answers that won’t result in someone I love being hurt.

There is good in my life. I’m trying desperately, to focus on that and make it the high point of my days. The good in my life is my son, Paul, and my daughter, Jessi. Without them I’d be ready to give up. Period.

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Siblings

First things, first.

I love my brother dearly.

Having said that, I have a huge issue with a brother that thinks my children owe him something. They do not. Nor do I.

Siblings, as wonderful as they are, are just related by parents. They are not part of you, per se. If I feel obligated to assist them in times of need, I do so because of the parent we share (yes, parent is intentional because we do not share both parents). Our mother would have expected me to help my younger brother. She might not have expected or even endorsed my children helping their uncle.

At some point we have to own our screw-ups.

When I was destitute, and in seriously dire need, my “brother” didn’t hesitate to say “no room at the inn, sis” but now, 2 years later he is in desperate need and he’s dissing one of my kids for not having money to lend him. Mind you they lent him 2K (unbeknownst to me) and he after only repaying 1200 he simply cut all of us off – no email, no calls, no taking our calls or answering our messages—he expects everyone to be there for him when he is in desperate straits.

I’m there for him as foolish as that might be, and when I’m trying to wire him the money he so desperately needs, he criticizes me, and my child who quite frankly doesn’t have anything to lend since she has just taken out a loan to improve her home and the life of her children.

My heart is heavy and my anger is high right now.

My brother, or rather half-brother, needs to realize that the ONLY family he has is the one I bring with me.

Karma is a bitch and the bitch is biting big time.

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Children

Today is the birth day of my Mother — Sadie Dancer Knapp. She would have been ecstatic over having the great grandchildren she has. She was in love with my children. As am I.

My son, Paul, is an incredible man. He is doing something he loves, working in an investigative role. My daughter, Jessi, is doing what she loves, being a mom who is also an incredible photographer. But even if they had not found their niches I’d still love and be proud of who they are and what they’ve accomplished.

My son has had a lot of challenges. He has battled low self-esteem, reading comprehension, and just a plethora of life challenges such as fathering a child too soon and having a daughter with infant epilepsy. There’s not much that’s scarier than watching a normal healthy baby go from active to lethargic in a heartbeat. He weathered that, with an optimistic view and with the grace of God he will be rewarded by this magical child being health happy the rest of her life!

My daughter has had challenges. She has battled having two daughter’s born with Cystic Fibrosis, and the brutal reality of what that could mean. The idea that both of your children could have abbreviated lives is terrifying but she and her husband provide a healthy, normal life for two extremely normal girls.

When I think how I might have handled these challenges, I honestly cringe because I don’t have any idea. Does that sound pathetic? Perhaps, but I honestly don’t know how well I would have coped with such information about my children. But I’ve seen how my children coped, and I have nothing but unlimited respect and admiration for both of them.

I have no idea where they got their strength from and it really doesn’t matter, in the end. The bottom line is that they are strong enough to carry themselves, their children and their spouses through something that might have crippled other couples.

My Son and My Daughter are my heroes. I can only hope that someday their children realize, and acknowledge, them for being the heroes they are!

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Coming back from a too-long hiatus

ObscureI love writing and working with images in Photoshop and Illustrator, but I took a few years off, waylaid by seeming importance that turned out to be utter insignificance.

Inevitably there are those occasions when I ask myself how in the world could you have let yourself get sucked into the black hole of insignificance? For a few moments I entertain the question until I realize it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am leaving insignificance behind and picking up the tools of my craft again—keyboard and pens.

I’m excited about starting over. Word by word and line by line, I’m easing back into the things I love to do.

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